3 Top Relationship Experts Explain Cheating — Mindsplain
Infidelity is one of the most emotionally devastating and life-changing events we can go through — whichever side of the act we find ourselves on. But cheating is also a gray area when it comes to relationships: the definitions of it can be loose, and different people’s interpretations and motivations can differ greatly.
With lines blurred and definitions muddled, an expert’s advice can be all the more essential. We spoke to three relationship experts and psychologists to discover the differences in cheating when it comes to men and women, how to tell if you are being cheated on, and what to do if you are.
Why do people cheat?
It sounds like a simple question, but the answer is complex. As clinical psychologist Michael Kinsey, PhD explains, “Cheating is communication through action. Action is a more primitive way of communicating and, in the intricate world of human relationships, is an unwieldy, blunt instrument.”
“There are any number of reasons why someone will ‘act out’ through infidelity. Let’s distinguish between two broad categories: One is personality-based reasons, and the other is circumstantial reasons,” says Dr. Kinsey.
“When we say that cheating is personality-based, we are basically saying that the cheater has not developed mature ways of communicating feelings or needs. In fact, this person may not even have a firm grasp of what his or her feelings and needs are. When one or both members of a couple have immature or pathological personality organizations — for example, narcissistic personality disorder — problems in the relationship are very likely to get expressed through acts of infidelity,” Dr. Kinsey explains.
Of the second type of cheating, Kinsey says,”Circumstantial reasons occur over the course of a long-term relationship. Changes in lifestyle, career, responsibility, and interests may lead to chronic misattunements and problems in communication that leave one or both parties in the relationship feeling silenced, frustrated, invalidated, and/or disempowered. In these instances, infidelity may be opportunistic and can be seen as a desperate attempt to get the attention of the partner.”
“These two categories are rough distinctions and specific instances of cheating can be a murky combination of the two types,” he adds.
Of course, this murkiness can be muddied further by human foibles. Celebrated psychotherapist Esther Perel is one of the world’s leading experts on infidelity. A New York Times bestselling author of The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity, and creator of the groundbreaking therapy podcast Where Should We Begin, she has spent more than 34 years speaking and helping people with their relationships.
But in terms of specific reasons for cheating, she has said, “There is no common reason… Definitely mortality, fear of ageing, deadness. A fear of ‘Is it going to be like this for another 25 years? Nothing new?’ That’s one narrative.”
The differences between male and female cheaters
Dr. Fran Walfish is a renowned Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors, CBS TV, and co-star on WE tv.
“ The reasons why people cheat are different for men versus women,” Dr. Walfish tells us.
“Men cheat at a significantly higher rate of frequency than women. Men become serial, repeated, cheaters because of early abandonment/separation trauma by their mother or father. Examples include divorce, a parent leaving and not returning, or an angry parent who rages toward the child unexpectedly and abusively, either physically or verbally,” explains Dr. Walfish.
In comparison, “Women cheat when they have sustained long periods of mistreatment in the relationship,” says Dr. Walfish, “In both male and female cases of cheating, both lack healthy communication skills to talk about the problems and issues underlying within the relationship that, if dealt with directly, could avoid infidelity.”
Dr. Kinsey agrees that there are different attitudes to cheating from men and women, in general, “The evolutionary roots of human sexuality almost certainly factor into infidelity as well. Sexual strategies of men and women tend to differ, and both men and women appear to be ambivalently monogamous creatures, albeit in different ways.”
“Differing approaches to propagation of genes are almost certainly at play when we speak about infidelity at the population level — for example, to explain why men cheat more than women,” adds Dr. Kinsey.
People cheat for their own individual reasons
Regardless of the wider genetic reasoning which can be applied to cheating, there are usually more immediate reasons for individuals to cheat.
“At the individual level, sexual exploration prior to marriage is usually about assessing one’s own status,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “Men and women both play around with different sexual partners as a way of evaluating how many indicators of status they can expect to safely attract in a future mate — safely meaning without fear over the partner being unfaithful.”
This thinking process can even apply to people in long term relationships. As Dr. Kinsey says, “In marriage or lifelong partnerships, cheating can be a result of premature commitment. When a couple gets married, has a child, or cohabitates before they have negotiated their place in society, any significant change in status that occurs thereafter could be destabilizing for a relationship. We often see stable pairings between older men and younger women because men tend to reach peak status later in life compared to women… and yes, many exceptions occur.”
Dr. Kinsey adds, “As he is known to do, Oscar Wilde captured the dynamics of cheating very succinctly when he quipped, ‘Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.’”
Infidelity is closely linked to communication… or, lack of it
Male or female, one thing that many cases of cheating have in common is a breakdown of communication.
As Dr. Walfish explains, it triggers a domino effect on relationship issues, “One sure pathway to extra marital affairs is poor or breakdown in communication. Talking is the glue that holds people together. When folks stop talking about issues, especially resolving conflicts, sex stops and one may look outside the marriage for emotional and physical gratification.”
In fact, communication is one of Esther Perel’s number one pieces of advice for a strong relationship. “Listen. Just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality,” she has said.
Is an emotional affair cheating?
It’s one of the most contentious arguments you can ever have in a relationship: an emotional affair refers to a non-sexual, but intimate relationship between two adults in other monogamous relationships. With private contact easier than ever, thanks to smartphones and dating apps, social media, and messaging, so-called ‘digital infidelity’ is one of the most common examples of this.
Despite the lack of physical sex, an emotional affair is cheating, says Dr. Walfish: “In my professional opinion, emotional affairs are a form of cheating.”
This form of infidelity can still be just as damaging to the relationship and hurtful for the partner who is cheated on — if not more.
“There are a couple of different reasons why people seek emotional affairs while in a relationship/marriage,” explains Dr. Walfish, “some folks use emotional affairs as a mechanism for avoiding true intimacy with their partner or spouse. They withhold communication of their feelings and share them with an outsider to keep a wedge between them and their spouse. This maintains a disconnector distance in the marital attachment. After all, talking is the glue that holds people together.” Again, it all comes back to communication.
“Also, people who are attracted to married or committed folks usually feel unworthy and undeserving of a complete loving relationship that includes give and take, or reciprocity — both emotionally and physically,” adds Dr. Walfish.
Though they start non-physical, emotional affairs can also become sexual, Walfish tells us. “Some emotional affairs turn physical, although many do not. Emotional affairs are usually more powerful than solely sexual relationships. However, when emotional affairs are coupled with sex, their potency is maximized,” she explains.
“Often, one or both partners engaged in the emotional affair chooses to refrain from sex, rationalizing to themselves thatwithout sex it is not really an ‘affair’,” says Walfish. But rather than doing so, this choice actually achieves the opposite, “This is a form of denial and lack of accountability, and shows a lack of willingness to own up to the betrayal of their spouse.”
How can cheating be prevented?
Like the gray areas surrounding cheating itself, there are no black and white rules to prevent cheating: human beings are complex characters. But, there are steps you can take to strengthen your relationship.
As Dr. Kinsey explains, it helps to be aware of and combat the above issues, which can make it more likely for someone to cheat.
“The best ways to prevent cheating are to be heedful of the factors that lead to cheating prior to making a commitment,” he says.
“First, recognize that very little can be learned about a person’s long-term viability as a romantic partner in the first three months of a relationship. During this phase, fantasy, idealization, wild excretions of hormones, and self-deception make inferences at this stage of a relationship highly suspect,” Dr. Kinsey advises.
“Second, pay close attention to how your partner deals with feelings of rejection, abandonment, hurt feelings, or any other pains that inevitably occur in the relationship,” these can be warning signs to other behaviors, Kinsey says, “Some acting out is tolerable, but if you consistently find out that your partner is mad about something after a retaliatory measure has been taken, this is a strong sign that your partner does not have the capacity to communicate in the way you need in a long-term partner.” It’s this trouble in communication which can be the root of infidelity.
“Third, be cognizant of how established each person in the couple is in life. If you meet in med school, chances are that both of you will be in the same elite sphere of society as you both mature. But, if you meet in college and one person is studying to be an engineer and the other a fine artist, understand that the road ahead could be bumpy,” warns Dr. Kinsey, “Of course this isn’t damning to a relationship, but it may be wise to reach a stable phase of your careers before making a commitment.”
“Finally, if you have concerns about having drifted apart but want very badly for the relationship to work, make repeated efforts to express your concern to your partner in a non-accusatory and empathic way,” poses Kinsey, “Suggest couples therapy or any other communication-enhancing intervention you feel is appropriate.”
With communication ever important, Dr. Kinsey even advises a very specific way to speak in such a situation. “When you communicate, try to capture the following tone: ‘I feel we’ve drifted apart due to factors that are neither one of our faults. I miss you and want us to take action to reconnect before it’s too late.’” This should communicate how you feel, and make the space to improve the relationship, in a non-threatening way.
Esther Perel, meanwhile, adds that cheating can say more about how one person feels about themselves than how they feel about their partner.
“One of the great discoveries and surprises in my research for The State of Affairs was to notice that people would come and say, “I love my partner; I’m having an affair.” That sometimes people even in satisfying relationships also stray-and they don’t stray because they are rejecting their relationship or because they are reacting to their relationship,” says Perel, “They often stray not because they want to find another person but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves. It isn’t so much that they want to leave the person that they are with as much as sometimes they want to leave the person that they have themselves become.”
What to do if you think you are might be having an emotional affair
You might be wondering if you are technically cheating on your partner. After all, what is the difference between an emotional affair and being friends with someone? Dr. Walfish explains that there are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your relationship with this other person runs too deep.
“Some signs to look out for that you are having an emotional affair, or are at risk of turning your friendship with another person into an emotional affair, include that the person completely fills your mind’s mental space, and you think about him or her constantly; that you find yourself modifying your routine or schedule to see the person more frequently; the quantity and frequency of contact with him or her has increased, and that you have noticed your feelings for the other person deepen and intensify,” says Walfish.
So, if you are in the midst of a deep emotional triste with someone other than your partner, what do you do next?
Dr. Walfish says that you should turn to the experts: “My top tip to stop having an emotional affair is to get professional help. You need to declare your misgivings openly, and out loud, as a sort of confession. Hearing your own voice declare your behavior is your first step toward owning accountability for your behavior, which is a prerequisite for change.”
That doesn’t mean that you should confess right away to your partner, though, says Walfish, “I think it’s a mistake to disclose your emotional affair to your partner. It will only hurt your spouse and raise his or her suspicions and doubts about trusting you.”
“If you are truly committed to your therapy work you will change, so there is no need to rock the boat at home,”she adds.
What to do next if you have cheated or been cheated on
Deciding what to do next after infidelity is one of the toughest questions a couple can face. When is a relationship worth working at to repair, and how much damage is too much?
“Making sound decisions about the fate of a relationship is incredibly difficult because, quite frankly, humans are not wired to separate. We are notoriously bad at acting in accordance with what we know to be true in matters of the heart,” puts Dr. Kinsey.
There are different factors which can help you, decide, though.
“If cheating occurs within the first six months of a relationship, this is a strong sign that the relationship is ill-fated,” says Kinsey.
“After this, my general advice is that if your partner has a history of cheating and does not have a strong ability to communicate verbally — and has a strong proclivity to “act out” — then there is not much hope of the relationship working out,” Kinsey tells us that in this case, the outlook for the relationship’s survival is not good, “If you forgive, this will likely be implicitly perceived as carte blanche to cheat in the future. If you force your partner into therapy, little progress will be made without an earnest commitment and strong motivation from the offending partner.”
But not all relationships rocked by infidelity are doomed, he says: “If your partner is a rare example of someone who is genuinely remorseful, seems distraught about how his or her actions have impacted you, and vows to change by making a significant commitment to therapy, both in time and money, then there may be reason for hope.”
Dr. Walfish agrees that this can mean a relationship can be saved: “Genuine remorse, empathy for having hurt your partner, accountability, and demonstration of consistent change for the better with continuity are all reasons that I support a divorcing partner to change their mind and give it another chance.”
Esther Perel has said that just like the differences between men and women when it comes to cheating, there are also different stigma attached to choosing to stay and work on a relationship after infidelity.
“It’s worse for the men,” she said, in an interview with The Guardian, “I think people should be able to determine for themselves the choices that they will make and the consequences thereof. To just push people to divorce and to think that divorce is always the better solution when it dissolves all the family bonds… Entire lives are intertwined with a marriage. It isn’t just the relationship between the spouses. It is social networks, it’s lives of children, it’s grandchildren, it’s economics.”
Though, Dr. Kinsey cautions, “In most cases, however, partners who have personality deficits show very little remorse and grow tired of a partner who remains hurt after he or she has offered a small number of half-hearted apologies.”
He explains, “A strong sign that the relationship can be salvaged is when the following factors are present: A long relationship history with a track record of honest, vulnerable communication; sincere remorse expressed by the offending party; a mutual recognition that longstanding patterns of poor communication had been avoided or ignored, and motivation from both parties to get the relationship back on track.”
“The more of these factors are present, the better. The fewer, the worse the odds of the relationship surviving,” he adds.
If you have been cheated on — or been discovered to be having an affair — it can feel like the end of the world. Or, at least, your relationship (which is often much the same thing). But the good news is that, as relationships expert Esther Perel has found, an affair can even make a relationship stronger in the long run.
Perel has argued that while not ideal, “Many affairs are break-ups, but some affairs are make-ups. Sometimes the relationship that comes out is stronger, and more honest and deeper than the one that existed before because people finally step up.” There is reason to be optimistic, though, if you look hard enough. “The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together, but some of them will merely survive and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity,” says Perel in her TED Talk, which has been viewed more than 20million times, “They’ll be able to turn this into a generative experience.”
Bex April May is a professionally trained journalist and digital content expert, with ten years of experience writing for the biggest publications in the world, including The Guardian, IGN, Yahoo, MTV, Cosmo and more.
Originally published at https://mindsplain.com on January 12, 2021.
